Archive for March, 2006

Pets?

March 31, 2006

My mom's been talking about pets for a while now, but I still don't think it's a good idea. But that's probably because I don't really know how to raise a pet as well as appreciate one.

To me they are large and small pooper machines. You provide food and nurishment as input, and then let process, and out come poo! I also probably spend too much time away from home to really enjoy the company and companionship of a pet though.

I would need a really independant pet, a dog would get too depressed since I wouldn't be able to play with him. A cat might be ideal for a person like me. They probably have their own adventures throughout the day and then come home when I return to feed him/her. :3

I wonder what my cat would do in my neighbor hood. If I were a cat I'd probably lay around the trees all day. If I were a cat I'd people good hunt down a fine looking chick and visit her all day thou (human chick). Hmmm, I guess if I were a cat that had myself as an owner, I'd run away and find a hot looking lady as a new owner! … Maybe a cat isn't for me. Dog's can't jump fences right?

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Came to work 8:15am!

March 31, 2006

The last few days have been pretty productive. I'm impressed at myself. I didn't know my lazy ass could do it!

Ran after work yesterday with co-workers and also woke up early today and got to work. I feel much sharper and more alert as well.

Definitly starting to improve my health. I'm also going to try and eat fruit everyday (I know, the world is ending).

Finally at work early! (9:00am instead of 9:45am)

March 30, 2006

Looks like I finally got to work early. I'm going to try and make this a habit now.

I will have to pretty much try to retrain myself from work. The moment I sat down I started working again. I'll have to keep to just a few e-mails and some auto-task (our time logging program) and then relax until 9:30am.

I'm such a work-a-holic still, but i'm learning.

Btw, Auto-task is the most crappy piece of #)$( in the world! Okay it's a little better than most, but I hate how i have to divide all the time i spent into various tasks and log how many hours each. There should just be a clock-in, clock-out, list of current tasks. Pretty simple. For this, "Auto-Task" (written in disgust) we have to pick which customer we're working for, which project it's under, which remote task, and log hours + information discription. On top of that, if we happen to be given a task that is not on our list we need to bug the supervisors to get some tasks added (which takes 2 days usually since everyone's always so busy).

Anyhow, I think I'm going to spend my morning drawing characters for my internal characters =P

Manga Library Size – 61.6 GB

March 29, 2006

Been on a manga downloading crazy recently. I've finally setup my computer to be accessable from work. I'm running it through web-port 443 so it looks like a funky https webpage call but really it's my VNC server >:D

Well, not really abusing anything I just check on my downloads every now and then. Gives me a little control of my life even when I'm at work. Whenever I get fustrated I can run off into my own server at home and check my downloads from SPL.

Spl is some male/female dude on mIRC. He's got way more manga than I have and it's basically my primary source of manga. My tastes in manga are a subset of him/her so I only have a portion of the actual size of her database >.>;;;

Amazingly enough I still have my own 61.6 GB of compressed manga images which is already quite impressive, since most black and white images compress really well.

I actually think Spl is a girl, from the type of manga on there. Being a guy means there's really no reason for some of those drama chick mangas to be in there, so I'm starting to think she's really a female. Although maybe it's just myself wanting to think there's a female version of myself out there in the world. >.>;;;; /sweat

Anyhow. 61.6 GB!

Here I go again trying to get back on schedule.

March 27, 2006

Active Tasks

  • Check with Nina if she's coming down for E3 or not
  • Make my workout Calendar and Weight Calendar
  • Track my z60m IBM Laptop
  • Setup internal home network to be accessible from work.
  • Get Snowgear with little bro.
    • Snow-Jacket
    • Snow-Pants
    • Gloves
    • Beanie
    • Knee-pads
  • Say Thank you to James Xie
  • Research how to lower dad's blood pressure
  • Start my manga bibliography

Passive Tasks

  • Focus more at work
  • Sleep before 10:30pm <- Kind of worked, I'm waking early now.
  • Get to work early but not work until 9:30am (or work and leave eariler) <– Just gotta keep it up.
  • Blog more often
  • Download more Manga:
    • Someday's Dreamers
    • Genshiken
    • Read or Die
    • x1999
    • Battle Vixens
    • Comic Party
    • Chronicles of the Cursed Sword
    • Vampire Game
    • Rave Master
    • Negi 90,91

Manga Bibliography???

March 27, 2006

Just finished updateing my "About" Page. Maybe I should start a little psycho manga about myself and my daily adventures and conversations with myself. I'm not really sure why I want to do this, but it just seems interesting. Not patricularily interested in publishing it, more like just something to do that interests me.

My College writing professor once told me that I might make a good writer some day. Maybe that might come true in the future (most-likely not). He did say some of my works were pretty good, although maybe that was just piety encouragement.

Anyhow, hopefully I can create some picture rendisions of my inner-ego's.

I Really need to sleep – -;;;

Depression again, but also a ray of light.

March 27, 2006

Today I messaged an old friend. She's pretty famous now, makes me wish I had tried a little harder to win her heart. I suppose my life's fate just doesn't work like that though. Althought it does make me feel a little happier to be able to say I've dated/chased two girls, ladies, that were/is a part of the media world.

Life as an engineer working for someone else really doesn't have it's perks like that. I suppose there's always some trouble involved though no matter how you look at it. The job of an engineer is a lot simplier, and also a lot more borning and tedious.

Recently I've been feeling a little like I've been slacking off on my work. I've been trying to avoid work on the weekends. I'm a lot happier now that I am, but then I also get a sense of irresponsibility since I'm not accomplishing as many taskes at a faster time/pace than what I usually would. 

Task – Focus more at work

I suppose I'm feeling a little guilty since I just got a raise. Almost feel like asking them if I can just stick with my old amount and do less hours. That was a very large alternative possibility. Fact of the matter is, is that I make almost as much as some of the people that have been there for 5 years. Although on top of that, They still pull multiple hours as well. Looking at the company as a local situtation, I'm asking too much, but looking at the world, I'm asking a fair amount. I wonder if I should do anything about it, maybe say something or mention that I would rather be paid less with less time. I'll have to give it more thought.

Task – Say thank you to my supervisor

Another thing is many I'm just not good yet at balancing my life. Maybe it's _normal_ to work this hard, or maybe not. Talking about time management, I should be a sleep right now, but there's a lot in my head.

Task – Sleep earlier

Back to some of the stuff I meantioned before, I think my main goal is to get over my fear of women. She's really far away, so there no chance me of to start liking her. Additionally, since she's so famous now, I won't able able to really entertain the possibility. Sounds depressive, but it's actually kind of a good thing. I don't know anymore. It feels like i'm creating my own poision so it really need to stop somewhere, somehow.

I'm afraid of getting hurt again, so I'm afraid of talking to girls, so I'm becoming unsocial, so I'm becoming unmotivated (it's important to stay motivated), so I'm becomeing depressed, I'm losing my social skills, it's getting harder to talk to girls, it becomes impossible for me to get to know them.

It's really maddening. I want to become social, confident, and dependable again. What happened to me? Yet, I'm having such a hard time looking at girls. My eyes stray away, I look at the floor, or away at another object. I can't look many females in the eyes anymore (this is imporatnt too!). Yet I know there's so much to do and over come. It's just difficult to take these small steps. Forcing myself really doesn't seem like a solution either.

Imagary – "Uh, Hello! I like you!"

Doesn't work if it's lie right?

Imagary – "You scare me!"

Doesn't seem like a nice thing to say. They'll also take it the wrong way.

Sigh. Life's so complicated now.

Father has high blood pressure. It's also affecting my thoughts. Always had a fear of losing my parents. I'm still very dependant upon them.

Task – Look up ways to help dad lower his blood pressure.

I can't even begin to imagine my life without my father. Recently he said, "Don't worry, I've still got a lot to live for. I'm also waiting for a grand child for me to play with." My first thought was "Oh crap! Quick I need to find a girlfriend!" Life doesn't work that way of course. I wonder if I can even find "the one", that itself is a question to me, if ever.

How did I become so depressive? I use to be so optimistic too.

Sleep. Thank about it all tomorrow. Good thing in my day though is seeing the success of an old friend. It does somewhat rekindle a little faith in myself as well. "If she can do it what's holding me back?!?!" Well, I suppose I'm not as hot as her, that's one disadvantage! XD

Manga Imagary – Maybe if I shave my legs and…. >.>;;;; hmmmm, no that won't do.

Sleep sleep sleep….

A New me! (again!)

March 23, 2006

Finally got a chance to workout again. I’m going to start Simon’s suggestion by printing out calendars and creating logs. He said he has many years of logs. Enough for him to one day pull out and show his kids. He says he runs 10 km a week and plays soccer every sunday. Pretty amazing guy. (Btw, Simon’s one of my supervisors at work.) Dude has two kids between the ages of 0-5, a wife, and is the head development director for the entire company, yet he can pull off 10kms a week for the past few 3-7 years or something. I wonder if he was BS-ing me.

Anyways, it’s time to reshape up my life again. Hopefully this is finally going to be my restart in life. But than again I’ve said this too many times before for me to even count anymore.

Today was okay. I still need a girl to come into my life and boss me around thou.

Internal Struggles

March 21, 2006

So now, on to the real reason why I finally decided to start a blog.

I’ve finally found some time for myself after college. Most of it is still just hanging out besides myself, but it’s time away from work non-the-less. I started reading my mangas again, then I started to feel a little depressed. I escaped into video games and found myself zombing away, made me tired and lose focus at work.

Reading about manga characters, their made up lifes, and created moments of happiness, I became a little envyous for it all. Currently my life has been very bleek. Borning, dull, work, home, sleep, work, sleep, work-sleep, and occasionally a nice dinner with family. I’m working about 10 hours a day average and about 5.5 days a week (a little too long). It was much worse before since I was pulling a 60 hour a week average (quite consistantly too).

It’s not to say all my work hasn’t been fruitiful. In fact, I’m helping manage a small team of 3 people in South Pasadena, and also managing a few efforts of 4 people in Shenzhen, China. I’ve gotten a nice raise and my career is really getting a large kick start. Was also talk of actually spliting off the current team and placing me as the direct team lead, which would ultimately make me fully responsible for an entire section of the company’s thorough-put.

I’m pretty good at avoiding the issue at hand. Here’s the blunt and simple problem I’m facing (I should say this before I waver off again.)

Its very lonely. I’m unhappy. Project management and security software is not my dream. I want to make video games. I want to find a compainion. I want to learn how to enjoy life again.

I suppose those years in college still have a very profound affect. My entire history with women has had a profound affect. I’m actually afraid of women now. Afraid to get hurt again, yet being alone also hurts.

Until now, receiving small amounts of pain slowly was much easier than the fear of getting truly hurt again. But now, that little bit of pain has started to get to me. I find myself day-dreaming here and there. I find myself wishing I could drop all my work and just go out and release myself. Then I when I finally decided to do that, I find that I have no where to go. I’ve been hiding myself for so long now that I don’t really know what to do with myself anymore.

Even now, I have a part me of that is telling me “You fool! Just go out! Problem solved.” It sounds easy enough, but then what? I’m still afraid. I find myself shying away from people. I find myself at a lost for words when I meet someone I think is cute. I can’t even get myself to look at them.

I’m currently hating myself. I don’t know why. Sometimes I try to cry, but it doesn’t come out. Its as if my emotional self is stuck in a soulless shell. The shell of me is waking up day-to-day, going to work, getting home, and performing my daliy functions. The inside of me, is crying to break out, unable to escape and express itself. I can’t cry, no tears come out, but I know i’m sad. I feel that much, but it’s always a feeling that’s beneth the surface. Can’t touch it, can’t let it out, can’t free myself… 

Finally Started a Real Blog

March 21, 2006

Well, I finally got over my own stuburness and decided to go with a readily available blog site. Really was avoiding it ever since blogs started. I’ve been making my own, kind of trying to prove something to myself I suppose. “I can do that.” “It’s not that hard.” “I can design it.” Kind of always wanted to believe I can conquer the world.

My reasoning now is the following: Blogs are readily available. They have everything already done, setup, tuned, and managed. Time is saved by not having to customize everything and spend time fixing all the little details. Instead the actual company, a team of people, that is managing the blog will do all that for me.

It’s kind of like having a personal assistant. If you really think about it. I have a team of people working for me, and I don’t need to pay them! From a management perspective that’s the best course of action!

Anyways, so here I am. My stuburness has lost. I’m bloging on a real blog site.