Internal Struggles

March 21, 2006

So now, on to the real reason why I finally decided to start a blog.

I’ve finally found some time for myself after college. Most of it is still just hanging out besides myself, but it’s time away from work non-the-less. I started reading my mangas again, then I started to feel a little depressed. I escaped into video games and found myself zombing away, made me tired and lose focus at work.

Reading about manga characters, their made up lifes, and created moments of happiness, I became a little envyous for it all. Currently my life has been very bleek. Borning, dull, work, home, sleep, work, sleep, work-sleep, and occasionally a nice dinner with family. I’m working about 10 hours a day average and about 5.5 days a week (a little too long). It was much worse before since I was pulling a 60 hour a week average (quite consistantly too).

It’s not to say all my work hasn’t been fruitiful. In fact, I’m helping manage a small team of 3 people in South Pasadena, and also managing a few efforts of 4 people in Shenzhen, China. I’ve gotten a nice raise and my career is really getting a large kick start. Was also talk of actually spliting off the current team and placing me as the direct team lead, which would ultimately make me fully responsible for an entire section of the company’s thorough-put.

I’m pretty good at avoiding the issue at hand. Here’s the blunt and simple problem I’m facing (I should say this before I waver off again.)

Its very lonely. I’m unhappy. Project management and security software is not my dream. I want to make video games. I want to find a compainion. I want to learn how to enjoy life again.

I suppose those years in college still have a very profound affect. My entire history with women has had a profound affect. I’m actually afraid of women now. Afraid to get hurt again, yet being alone also hurts.

Until now, receiving small amounts of pain slowly was much easier than the fear of getting truly hurt again. But now, that little bit of pain has started to get to me. I find myself day-dreaming here and there. I find myself wishing I could drop all my work and just go out and release myself. Then I when I finally decided to do that, I find that I have no where to go. I’ve been hiding myself for so long now that I don’t really know what to do with myself anymore.

Even now, I have a part me of that is telling me “You fool! Just go out! Problem solved.” It sounds easy enough, but then what? I’m still afraid. I find myself shying away from people. I find myself at a lost for words when I meet someone I think is cute. I can’t even get myself to look at them.

I’m currently hating myself. I don’t know why. Sometimes I try to cry, but it doesn’t come out. Its as if my emotional self is stuck in a soulless shell. The shell of me is waking up day-to-day, going to work, getting home, and performing my daliy functions. The inside of me, is crying to break out, unable to escape and express itself. I can’t cry, no tears come out, but I know i’m sad. I feel that much, but it’s always a feeling that’s beneth the surface. Can’t touch it, can’t let it out, can’t free myself… 

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