Depression again, but also a ray of light.

March 27, 2006

Today I messaged an old friend. She's pretty famous now, makes me wish I had tried a little harder to win her heart. I suppose my life's fate just doesn't work like that though. Althought it does make me feel a little happier to be able to say I've dated/chased two girls, ladies, that were/is a part of the media world.

Life as an engineer working for someone else really doesn't have it's perks like that. I suppose there's always some trouble involved though no matter how you look at it. The job of an engineer is a lot simplier, and also a lot more borning and tedious.

Recently I've been feeling a little like I've been slacking off on my work. I've been trying to avoid work on the weekends. I'm a lot happier now that I am, but then I also get a sense of irresponsibility since I'm not accomplishing as many taskes at a faster time/pace than what I usually would. 

Task – Focus more at work

I suppose I'm feeling a little guilty since I just got a raise. Almost feel like asking them if I can just stick with my old amount and do less hours. That was a very large alternative possibility. Fact of the matter is, is that I make almost as much as some of the people that have been there for 5 years. Although on top of that, They still pull multiple hours as well. Looking at the company as a local situtation, I'm asking too much, but looking at the world, I'm asking a fair amount. I wonder if I should do anything about it, maybe say something or mention that I would rather be paid less with less time. I'll have to give it more thought.

Task – Say thank you to my supervisor

Another thing is many I'm just not good yet at balancing my life. Maybe it's _normal_ to work this hard, or maybe not. Talking about time management, I should be a sleep right now, but there's a lot in my head.

Task – Sleep earlier

Back to some of the stuff I meantioned before, I think my main goal is to get over my fear of women. She's really far away, so there no chance me of to start liking her. Additionally, since she's so famous now, I won't able able to really entertain the possibility. Sounds depressive, but it's actually kind of a good thing. I don't know anymore. It feels like i'm creating my own poision so it really need to stop somewhere, somehow.

I'm afraid of getting hurt again, so I'm afraid of talking to girls, so I'm becoming unsocial, so I'm becoming unmotivated (it's important to stay motivated), so I'm becomeing depressed, I'm losing my social skills, it's getting harder to talk to girls, it becomes impossible for me to get to know them.

It's really maddening. I want to become social, confident, and dependable again. What happened to me? Yet, I'm having such a hard time looking at girls. My eyes stray away, I look at the floor, or away at another object. I can't look many females in the eyes anymore (this is imporatnt too!). Yet I know there's so much to do and over come. It's just difficult to take these small steps. Forcing myself really doesn't seem like a solution either.

Imagary – "Uh, Hello! I like you!"

Doesn't work if it's lie right?

Imagary – "You scare me!"

Doesn't seem like a nice thing to say. They'll also take it the wrong way.

Sigh. Life's so complicated now.

Father has high blood pressure. It's also affecting my thoughts. Always had a fear of losing my parents. I'm still very dependant upon them.

Task – Look up ways to help dad lower his blood pressure.

I can't even begin to imagine my life without my father. Recently he said, "Don't worry, I've still got a lot to live for. I'm also waiting for a grand child for me to play with." My first thought was "Oh crap! Quick I need to find a girlfriend!" Life doesn't work that way of course. I wonder if I can even find "the one", that itself is a question to me, if ever.

How did I become so depressive? I use to be so optimistic too.

Sleep. Thank about it all tomorrow. Good thing in my day though is seeing the success of an old friend. It does somewhat rekindle a little faith in myself as well. "If she can do it what's holding me back?!?!" Well, I suppose I'm not as hot as her, that's one disadvantage! XD

Manga Imagary – Maybe if I shave my legs and…. >.>;;;; hmmmm, no that won't do.

Sleep sleep sleep….

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