Archive for May, 2006

Home Early

May 31, 2006

So It's been two days now since my long weekend and hellish beginnings. I'm pretty worried now. I think I'm going to get burned on this project.

I'm so tried. Why didn't anyone move me to this position before hand? Why am I doing all this so late?

Why did it take us more than a year to allocate tasks and requirements to team leads and development groups?

Psy…

Been a long day but life’s still good.

May 31, 2006

Got to work yesterday at 9:30am. I left work, the next day, 2:30am. Spent about 17 hours at work yesteryday in a single shift. That's crazy. People should have 8 hour work days! I just did two working days in one! I'm feeling a little odd in the head too, lol.

It's a good thing that I don't have a girlfriend at the moment, she'd probably get  mad at me for spending so much time at work. An even if not angry, she would at least be lonely. Or that's how I would feel I were the one waiting for her to get home.

All in all, I'm young, I'm capable. The career boost is good. I don't know though. Maybe it's not the best way to live this way.

He's the pro:

In my current position, if everything works out well, I will be a technical lead which played a major role in the development and deployment of one of the world's largest automated fingerprint identification systems at the age of 23. I will have made it to project management in less than one year or about one year's time since my offical employment date. I will have gained experience beyond any entry level job in any field working at a normal pace could never teach me. I will be able to sport a 6 digit figure (I hope). I will be ready for more projects of the same calibar. I will be openning up many doors to the future in the private sector of the computer science industry with many possible management level oppertunities.

Cons:

I'm going to die early from stress. I'm going to go bald (actually doesn't run in my bloodline). I will not see my family very much for the next two months. I will have no time to have fun. I will have no time to do what I enjoy. I will have no time to help parents. I will have no time to joy the simplier things in life. I will not be able to help my little brother out as much as I really need too. I really need to spend more time with him and check that he's going okay. The rest of the world will speed past me; I'll miss out on all my younger years.

Hmmm… I don't know…

Well at least there's hope for me in the long run.

External Encouragement!

May 30, 2006

Friend was a little depressed today about his career, he's graduating soon but feel like he's failing at it all on a career level. I told him he was not seeing it very clearly, there is still so much he can do and try, He's only 22 and he's getting depressed saying he's going to quite his entire career. I've known him for a long time now, we've been buddy gamer in the past for quite a while. I know how to read into his personality. I suppose the only reason why I can read him so is because he resembles a little like my past personality. A very depressive and very unhappy James back in Berkeley when I could not make it into my computer science major. It just happens that one day I kinda woke up and it was all better. I realized I'm young, I didn't truly give it my all just yet, I didn't even finish my lap around the park. I woke up and took life by the hair and rode it like a …. >.>;;; Well I was excelling again after that. I can't remember what it really was that turned me around, perhaps it was all the Ragnarok online gaming or all the guild leadership organizing that really made me wake up. Back then there were a lot of people that depended on me from day to day. People that hated their lives and their real life and wanted to escape. Sometimes they would like to excel at their fake lives as well and make new friends. I made it my responsibility to help them enjoy the game and possibly even help them with real life advise. That was probably when I woke up. I saw so many depressed, unenergized, unforth-coming individuals that had simple problems that they just couldn't see over the first hill. It was then that I realized I was one of them too.

So cutting it short… I found someone that use to be in the old position I was in. I hope to give him advice to bring him over that first hill and wish him a healthy trip for the rest of the way. One note that is important is that I don't plan to just get him over the next hill just to leave him in the middle of the next valley. I plan to teach him how to conquer that first hill himself, so that he may do it again himself for the second, the third, and the twentyith in life.

Future MBA?

May 29, 2006

Been thinking a lot lately, mostly due to my current vision of life. Friends just graduated, so I'm thinking back to my years in college as well.

I still regret not obtaining that Business major or minor degree. It's basically something I had really wanted when I first entered Berkeley, additionally it was just something very prestigious that I wanted to prove too myself. I've always been an overachiever (which is bad for my health btw) and originally my goal was to graduate from Berkeley with a double major in Business and Computer Science. Sadly due to the way I played my card and the turn of events I was only able to obtain a Math degree and a CS degree. Granted, Math is also one of Berkeley's strong points, but it's really not something I specifically wanted. I feel that that part of my life was a 'compromise' for something I couldn't achieve correctly.

On one note, I didn't gather the correct amount of information early enough. on a second note, I didn't open myself up enough to ask questions to push down that route. I have one friend which graduated as a Haas School of Business Major, and an EECS of College of Engineering major. That's practically a business, ee, and cs major. I suppose comparing myself to others is not the way to go, there's always someone out there that's better and stronger and more accomplished. It's not so much I'm showing the world though, that's not my goal. It's more about accomplishing it for myself and proving my worth to myself. Why do I need to do that? I'm not sure. It's fun, I suppose.

My definition of fun is whatever someone chooses to live their life doing. Some people enjoy having drama in their life, they have "fun" with it even though they cry and pout and chain reaction the world to it's knees saying "omg you did not!" Some people like to just chase girls, it's like the best thing in the world to them, weither they succeed or fail or get laughed at. Some people enjoy SM (Using strictly as an example, I'm not a mashocist) and it's how they want to live their life. The "pain" is "fun". I'm for one that loves to succeed. I love to fight a hard fight and pull out in front. I love the race of pushing and striving for success and screaming victory at the top of the mountian. I love the fight, the push, the trumph. In Berkeley, I failed in achieving my business degree.

Funny thing is that I'm in a business position now, running management for part of a very large project. Of course I have no pretraining so it's a little difficult for me. Someone told me that it's the best method, saying learning business is one thing, but having experience in business is just as good if not better. I know this is true, it definitly is. My father's a business man, but he has never had formal training in business, actually he's use to study history back in the Taiwan Military. Now he's running his own businesses and investing very intelligently into very profitable assest.

Maybe the one way I'll have closure on this issue through actually succeeding in a business position. Currently I'm getting pushed into this direction (by fate and luck, I have no complaints) and perhaps one day I'll close these missing piece to my life.

Hmmm it's 7pm now… I'm hungry ;3

Over the Hedge

May 29, 2006

Went and had lunch with Leonard, Jon, Jack, Rudy, Jessica, and Diana at Bacallis (Spelling?). Had my black pepper chicken steak again, great stuff. They make it very moist and very tender, not try at all and the black pepper sauce is great too. I know why Leonard loves that place, it really is a pretty nice cafe to eat at.

After that we promptly went to Santa Anita Mall to watch Over the Hedge in the AMC. That was a great movie, very funny, and well worth my 7.50$.

*Spoilers* I think the best was how they built up to the ending climax when they finally gave Hammy some caffine and the world slowed down. I could not stop laughing from how they played that out. I feel bad for anyone that didn't enjoy it as much as I did, I was laughing pretty loud and that's not normal. I always try to respect other people's privacy when watching a movie, it's not cool to talk and bring them out of the moment, but in this case I think it was okay. There was definitly a good portion of the movie theater laughing at the same time. It was great, truly a well planned moment. The best part about that climax was how they built up to it. Many times they would zoom out and show the world and an atomic mushroom cloud to over exaggrate something, and so it really prep'd the audience to know that something was coming. Hard to explain, if I was a English major I'd jot it all out, but sadly I'm a simple engineer T.T

Wow that was a long post!

May 29, 2006

Warning: excessive ranting below!

One weekend of cutting lose, before a 2-3 month visit to Hell…

May 29, 2006

So this weekend has been great, I hate to see it end so soon.

Actually met someone interesting. I regret not getting a chance to talk to her as much as I had wanted too, but I suppose I have no reasons to rush into things (I've learned this lession over and over again. Well, lets just say it's a short window of effective lessions). I actually learned quite a lot about her in a short amount of time, which is very interesting to me. It was as if a lot of things just "clicked" or made sense from the way she answered or posed a question. Well, could be the case that I'm just imagining things and I'm seeing what I want to see. But! Even if that is the case, it's a nice feeling. ^^;;

Currently, I feel a little up in the clouds. It's a little difficult to explain. I'm happy for two things: one that she exists, and two that someone like her exists. Ever since my last relationship four years ago I've been pushing aside the "find a match" or "find the one" theme of life; Right after that relationship, I had given up the entire idea that I'd ever meet someone that fits. The way I live my life, the way I am, the curse I carry, the way my world revolves; it just felt like it wasn't meant to be, but now I feel a little more hopeful.

I still remember my old relationships. I really drag this dead limb around a little too much. Always remembering back then where I tried and failed, over and over. On each relationship it was always the same theme: She would cheat with me (I would find out later), or on me (which I also find out later) (well not all of them, but I can say about 87.5% this was the case. What fraction does this equal to? :D).

Hmm… actually she will be able to read this ^^;;; Ah wells, It's the truth and I'm not afraid to admit it, anyhow it's much more a compliment (I hope). Although, I suppose it might be a little freaky and scary. I can understand that. I hope this isn't taken the wrong way T.T 

Well I suppose I better justify myself for why I'm not afraid to be forth coming about this before people think I'm just weird.

Been through so much drama and so many mind games that it all feels a little tacky now. It's like something you do when your bored or have nothing better to do with life. There's so much more to this world one can put their energy towards, say conquer the world or brainwashing the company to use salutes (muahahahhahahahahahaha). Of course having an emotional response is important, but working it out correctly and concisely is important. I also blame a very specific ex; we fought so much I'm all out of "umph" now. Which is actually a good thing, kind of get it all out of the system and grow up a little more quickly (I would say mature, but I reserve that for another meaning). Don't get me wrong, I'm totally not bagging on her. We actually agree on this and still talk sometimes. We have a history, we're not meant to be, and we are better people for it. ^^ She's actually leaving the US soon to purse her career and dreams. I look up to that and respect that greatly. It's something very difficult to do, especially for someone that will be leaving her family in here.

Fate has a funny way of twisting my plans. The girl I met won't be around for very long, nor will I have much time to devote to getting to know her. Oh wellz, but it's a nice day dream non-the-less. Sad though, since it's really rare to find a pretty girl with their head on straight. Good family background, good family values, morals, fun, level-headed, and surely successful (I actually have a pretty good 6th sense for detecting one's success-abilities, once I talk to them for a while). Anyhow, fate's always been very funny to me. I suppose that's just how it is.

Also went to see X-men, that was great. I still really enjoyed it even thought it was totally off the original story-line. Okay, after a few days of thinking about it… *spoilers: skip to next paragraph* Maybe I just like the way they played out Exaviar's death. It was done very well and a very heavy twist which I was totally not ready for. Sadly they had to make so many modifications to push it through correctly to make sense. They also kind of messed up a lot of little things, but they still kept it all open ended. Magneto probably gets his abilities back, Cyclops is not really dead, Rogue gets to have sex with her boyfriend, then gets her powers back. Wolverine is still a smart-ass.

Originally was going to go clubbing the next night, but turned out that one of my old Berkeley friend's girlfriend got mad at him for some silly reason. So she ditched him and then he didn't feel like going clubbing anymore. I think it was a good move, she would have just gotten more angry. So we decided to just drink at my house. Was pretty cool, but they were all tired so they just drank a little and left soon after.

It's getting a lot harder for me to "lose focus" while drinking now. It use to be pretty nice. I could get myself to a state that was slightly fuzzy (but not completely) where I can be a reasonable and relaxed without worrying too much about work. I guess drinking to avoid work is really a bad thing to do, I would much rather channel my energies else where, but it's a little difficult. Prehaps I just strive too hard. My "never give-up, anything is possible" mentality is actually a bad thing in this case. They don't pay me enough.

Sunday went and had Lunch with a friend in Rowland, then actually went to visit another friend that was working in the area. I was surprized at myself; I haven't done something so random and normal in a long time. It felt weird, a little like highschool times again when you just go see what a few friends are doing to go see a friend while they work and bug them to just waste time. I sat around, did nothing, relaxed, ate lunch, ate dinner, gathered some more friends, then went home. Was a pretty good day, very clean, very normal, very interesting relaxation. I really wish life were this innocent and that every day was so easy going withing nothing to do but visit friends and relax a bit. I work at a high-security company, my friends couldn't surprize-visit me even if they tried. Well, I guess a gf or wife would be allowed to visit, but probably not just random friends or many friends. That would be nice though, but fat chance to have random people wondering around an office cubical filled floor to just visit a friend.

Later on that Sunday (tonight), I got called up by some friends to go singing. Sometimes I'm really happy that my family runs a KTV. It's nice because I can chill with friends and do some drinking and let them have fun to their heart's content. Oddly, my core friends from highschool which I hold the most dear aren't much of a singing group than that of some of my other groups (I only have 3 groups atm). So we chilled and sang and just did whatever. They bought an old highschool friend. She was pretty cute, very nice legs too, but she really wasn't my type. One friend hinted that she was available and that I should try talking to her. But somehow I just don't find  Korean women specifically "hot". They are interesting, yes, but definitly not the right "fit" for me. Reminds me of this other Korean girl from Berkeley I was pretty close with (that's a totally different story too). Well was fun non-the-less, I got to relax a little bit. I'm really avoiding work, which is so bad…

I'm going to have a break down on Tuesday. I've procrastinated so much this weekend. Well I'm definitly not suppose to be working. The VP of development told us to relax a little, we have a really long two months ahead of us for this project. It's really nice to be technical lead and all, but really I wish they had made the decision a little sooner. I was totally unprepared and I had to spend 80+ hours for three whole weeks to just a really good firm grip on the project overhead. Some people on the project have been working with it for over a year, which is really some easy going clearning curve for how the whole project works. I had to cram all of that in three weeks while concurrently sorting and organizing tasks to try and push development along even though I knew nothing about the project. Luckily it worked out pretty well, but there is still so much to do. Blah, I'll think about it on Tuesday.

Tomorrow is Lunch and Movie! Over the hedge should be pretty interesting. I'm really looking forward to a good laugh ^^ I could use some more humor in my life.

Wells, looks like in the long run my weekend was pretty good. Although, I would much rather have traded it for something else on my mind. I suppose I shouldn't complain or I have no right to complain. I'm just dreading the next few months that are coming up. Undoubtly I will be spending 80+ for the next two months just organizing all the tasks that were not done correctly over the entire past year. Why am I always the "clean-up" crew for this company? I swear I'm moving to another company after I get this RCMP project Technical Lead under my belt. I hope I can pull through, I really wish they didn't put me on so many dying projects. True I've saved EVERY project in some way or another from failure or have made EVERY project a little smoother than what it would have been, but it's no reason to keep making me do the "clean-up". Just put me on the project initially, I'll make sure the whole thing is smooth from beginning to end. Don't shove me in there half way and make me force it to success… I will die young at this rate! /sob I wanna go wife hunting instead… Work stinks.

Personality Test

May 27, 2006

I haven't taken a personality test in the longest of times. Look like i've changed a lot over the years. Good and bad I suppose. Here's my pokemon card statistics!

Cattell's 16 Factor Test Results

Warmth |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Intellect |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Emotional Stability |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Aggressiveness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Liveliness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Dutifulness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Social Assertiveness ||||||||||||||| 50%
Sensitivity ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Paranoia ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Abstractness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Introversion ||||||||||||||| 46%
Anxiety |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Openmindedness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Independence |||||||||||| 38%
Perfectionism |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Tension ||||||||||||||| 46%

Take Cattell 16 Factor Test (similar to 16pf)
personality tests by similarminds.com

“Don’t give half-assed hugs, no one likes to have half their ass hugged.”

May 24, 2006

mag: i LOVE hugs!!!
mag: and you give a very good hug!
mag: GOOD JOB!
mag: some people give very half-ass hugs
lil: haha
lil: thanks
mag: ewwwwwwwwwww
lil: I don't really want people hugging half my ass either ^^;;;;;
mag: HAHAHAHA!!!

“One should relax after work, there are no mission targets, no work ethics, no worries, and no reasons to perform.” – Me (May 21, 2006)

May 21, 2006

Kind of realized this eariler, but i think this is a good time to reitierate about it.

I think I take my social life a little too seriously, almost like it's work. I need to relax a little more and just let it flow and let it run it's course.

Work is about building damns and flood gates, driving the river of fate into the direction of your choice and tender.

Social is about letting the river flow and run it's course, then watching it and abmiring it's beauty.