Climbing the ladder of success sure is stressiful

May 18, 2006

So It's actually 1:04am right now. I got home about 1 hour ago. I've been at work since 9:00am until 11:45pm at night. I'm back on my 12 hours a day schedule again.

I'm basically learning and catching up to more knowledge at work. There is always so much to do that work is getting very crazy.

I'm stressing.

Today at work I freaked out, and the VP noticed it too. I'm really not getting much time to rest. I've been working about 9 to 12 for the past 4 days. I also worked on Saturday and Sunday for the past too weeks. That's basically 18 days of no days off. Pretty lame.

I'm learning lots thought, really getting a better idea on how everything fits together. It's pretty amazing how flexable this software is, they really have some poweriful architects for this software and they laid out some very clear foundations.

Anyhow, a bit depressed since I'm not performing as well as I had hoped I would be. I have kicked it up a notch since the VP caught my freaking out thou. I think that he really wanted me to take a more high level management position for this, but the main problem is that I have not fully learned how everything works.

It's a bit like this, I was explaining to my parents eariler, I can't really tell the construction workers how to build my house if I don't know anything about the house right? Someone, has to play the coordinating effort. I'm still learning all this stuff, but I'm afraid I can't learn it fast enough with a good enough feel for everything to really understanding all of it well and good.

Afraid i suppose, I'll say it straight up. I just don't like to fail. I'm afraid of being a failure. Most people will say "no your not, your just pessimistic, lighten up", I know this. But it doesn't mean I still don't fear it. I'm guessing it got something to do with my childhood. I'm not too sure what that is thou. lol. I have a bad memory, can't remember much of anything. I blame this on my XY chromosomes. =)

I've never really considered myself a prodigy or even very smart. I've just been the "hardworking" type that make up for my lack of strenghs through hardwork and diligence.

Another thing that bothers me lately is the feeling I get from the people around me. I'm starting to get the feeling that they are a little envyous against me. I have been in this company for less than a year (11 months) like 1 more month and that'll make a full year. I've been promoted multiple times and now i'm almost a project manager. I manage a lot of tasks, assign and coordinate, and also answer customer inquires directly. Some people might feel a little envy, but I know I have been also giving off this kind of bad impression of myself. Hard to explain.

When I'm stressed, I will talk forever, on and on, about what I'm stressed about. Sometimes I will make something little into a big deal as to comfort myself and receive people's pity. Why do I do this? I don't know. Possibly I'm hunting for people's care and affection (not that kind of affection, especially not from co-workers). Anyhow, I sometimes talk alot, and it kind of has a negative affect. I'm afraid that people might be thinking, "oh i know your work is important, but why you keep rubbing it in my face?" Actually no matter what work it is, work at cogent is stressiful and very time consuming. It's quite difficult no matter what task it is. That is my point of view thou (I'm trying to defend myself here, not working). So it comes off wrong, and I'm very oblivious of this until it is already too late. Recently I've just been shutting up when people are around, try to keep work away from conversation and pleasure. I get so stressed some times that I'll start talking about work during our lunch break, then it kind of digs everyone back into the working mood of things and everyone becomes a little quite, possibly mad at me, or thinking about work, and/or both of these! Anyhow, I'm young, company has a lot of seniors, I fear they don't like me because I'm so young as well as so new to the company. I'm a little more knowledgable than the younger crew, so my tasks are so much different. It's like I don't belong to either side. It's pretty stressiful there.

Usually I would fall back on my supervisors, since really they take care of everything and assign things to me. But now my supervisors have changed again. Simon has allowed me to take over MobileID, which now I need to push to George and Ken. Simon as assigned me tasks, but James has assigned me tasks over those. I feel really bad for Simon, he's doing something I should be taking care of.

Too much too much. I need to stop thinking….. sleep time.

I just realized that my future life will need the patience of a god to handle me… Sigh… I must improve myself. I must become a better me. So hard, so long of a task, so little time…..


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