Oh Sickness!

June 3, 2006

So I had to skip work today. In the morning I was feeling way too week to do anything at all. Sent an e-mail in and it turned out to be a good decision. Got to stay home and rest and really nurse myself back to some-what normal energy levels again. Still quite not the same of course since I'm sick, but feeling a lot better. I'm actually starting to get use to the sickness. I went out and had dinner and kept… an okay level… of conversation. I suppose I still have much to learn about for keeping my self straight minded under all situtations.

Why am I trying to hard to keep straight minded? And what do I mean?

So like recently I've been testing myself (yeah life is a little borning at the moment) to keep myself thinking straight even under heavy fire. It's quite a difficult task actually and I can't say I'm completely successiful under all cases, but I'm getting good at it.

Lets say I take a shot of vodka, now i need to hold composed and normal even though I've just polluted my brains. Take a few more shots, see if I can hold my thoughts together even under such pretenses. Take a few more, am I sitll me? Where do I define where me is? How do I define I am still myself? Find myself, breath life into it, and maintian my composure.

Under heavy stress, work stress, house stress, personal stress; need to keep cool minded and normal. All things in this world are subjective, they are only relevant in compareason to each other. When they are left alone a single standing task, it means very little or nothing. So why stress so much? Clear my mind, focus on the task at hand, accomplish it and perform it well, move on to the next item. This is probably my most difficult to do. It's not easy when you have a world of stress laying on your shoulders. It's not easy when you don't really know where your going. Life is very difficult to play out when your not clear and clean about your direction in life. It's difficult to rummage through it all and come out on top, standing strong. I've yet to accomplish this, but I am striving to achieve it. I need to be similar to Eric Lu. He's got it all laid out and is very calming to be able to push things correctly and accurately.

Being myself under personal pressure is probably the hardest. I can say that I'm pretty sure of myself for where and what I want to work towards. I can also say I'm pretty sure of myself when I say I know how to work towards it. One thing I cannot say though, is that I know the best route of how to work towards it. All my life I have always been a "if i need to do it, then I'll do it and push it through whatever it takes". But this ends up very messy and unclean and you need to clean up after yourself and fix that hill side you've burn to a crisp (not always can be fixed). I need to learn how to execute with a little more finesses. Direct, straight forward, simple, accurate, and done with no worries.

Much to learn and accomplish in life still. =)

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