9:30am to 3am work day… I’m beat

November 25, 2006

So like it’s been a long day. I’m tired. One thing that I find interesting is that I didn’t burn out yet, or not completely burned out yet. I’m still pretty well mentally aware, but not exactly completely sane. My body is tired, my stomach is confused and thinks it’s hungry, my arms and legs are limb but still functional, my reflexies are down, and I’ll laugh at just about anything at this point.

I suppose it’s a good thing that I can still think somewhat consciencily to some degree, but definitly not at my normal nack and awareness level. I wonder exactly how long i can do before I start losing it and getting completely fuzzy.

Speaking of fuzzy, it reminds me a bit of when I was drinking recently. It’s definitly not as bad at that head cloudy/fuzzy feeling, but very close.

One thing that doesn’t stand well is the fact that when I’m tired I do lose more control over my sub-conscience. I do notice myself thinking things in the background of my main thought stream, and some of them I can not control. Definitly a taste of my fears, my angers, my uneasiness in life. I suppose that somewhat tells me that I’m a man ruled by my fears. I fear lots of things, but some of them are always being lonely and being unwanted. Somehow, not fitting in really gets to my depressive side and my brain makes a lot of unhappy chemicals when the thought occurs.

Anyhow, my mind’s slowly losing control of my thoughts and my brain and chemisty is taking over.

Always thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, history, past, things I regret, thing I wish I did differently. Where’s my sub-conscience optumistic side? =P Anyhow, life’s a roller coaster I guess, my “self” is just there along the ride and at the moment tunnel of this segment is very dark and unwilling.

I’ll have to do something about this 18+ work hours. It’s pretty unhealthy for me mentally as well as physically.


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