Archive for January, 2007

Midnight Urges

January 30, 2007

2:01 AM 2007/01/30

Friend: then later… i realized.. i m straving coz i NEED MEAT
Friend: i need my fucking meat
Friend: im gonna google some more pic of chicken
Myself: hahahahaha.. WHY?
Friend: COZ I NEED MY MEAT
Friend: MEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
Friend: i just got laid 3 days ago, but i havent had real meat for a while
Myself: Omg Hahaha
Myself: “so that’s why i must google for chicken…”
Friend: LOL

28Jan07 – Thoughts #5

January 28, 2007

I just shipped one car full over to the other house. It’s quite alot of shit I have!

So like I’m unloading my dresser because it’s not nice to leave it full and expect the movers to move it all. So I’m unloading… and I’m also going through my closet. Then half way through I look around and I realized I have 7-9 packages of new underwear. New Packages. not indivdial wraps. I mean packages like bunches of 10-15 each. So apparently while looking around I have 8×15 new underwear above my currently already in-use underwear… Which makes something along the lines of 150 combined whitey tighties and boxers……… I do not know why I need so much underwear. I could wear one piece a day and only have to wash my laundry about twice a year…. which is pretty nasty, but possible with the amount of stock i have….oh well… back to cleaning… I wonder what else I will find. XD

28Jan07 – Thoughts #4

January 28, 2007

Too many leather jackets LOL…. my parents went nut buying them up when it was cheap. Now I think I have 7 or 8 of them >.>;;; some are baby lamb and very smooth ūüėÄ

Lots of history in my father’s stories with leather jackets. A little less with me, except maybe that fact that all my ex’s hated them. =P

28Jan07 – Thoughts #3

January 28, 2007

Ran into my EE20N Signals and Systems book. Wow did that bring back memories. Was originally denied from Computer science even thou I had gained addmission into the school. They assigned me as ‘undeclared’. I knew exactly what i wanted to be! Why mark me as that? Anyhow, big headed, very cocky, decided to take the class in prep of my future transfer into the major. On top of that I also took 21 units that very first semester¬† I was in college. Oh boy! Bad idea.

I had my ass cooked, tossed, and handed back to me so fast, I thought I still had one and was utterly confused. Good job me for taking on more than I really realized. Felt kind of like jumping blindly into a swimming pool and figuring out someone had wanted to boil the hole damn thing.

Anyhow, GPA that semester hit really low and had to rebuild it all.

28Jan07 – Thoughts #2

January 28, 2007

Found the old bag of memories from all my previous relationships. Kind of weird, I’m not sure why I keep it all around. For the most part it’s all past information now, I really shouldn’t dwell. But then again maybe it’s good to at least review. The again it’s all from highschool and it’s all highschoolie. Oh wells, looks like I’ll be bringin this junk back to my old house with me until i resolve what I want to do with it all. Perhaps I’ve waiting of one of them in side the bag to come back so I can bring back out all our old stuff. Then again, I don’t want any of them back >.>;;;

Very curious of me, very curious =) I suppose I’ll make more sense of it all later on.

Back to cleaning!

28Jan07 – Thoughts

January 28, 2007

Due to moving, I’ve been going through some old stuff. What to toss, what to keep.¬† These are the records of my thoughts:

I found some old school/college books. Definitly one of those love-hate relationships with these text books. Took a look at them and wanted to feel smart at first. Somehow smart people are associated with books. So i started archiving them all into a box… Then I started realizing how “smart” I was… and how I didn’t really need all these books anymore. Started tossing them and throwing away the history and the english books about women studies (They tricked me! I thought it was a¬†study of normal women! Ended up a study of the clincally insane women!). Anyhow, ran into my old Music 16B class books. Thoughts were that I really wanted to learn an instrument later in life. Decided to keep those. Then I ran into my Art History books, pretty interesting places these art works are from. I thought to myself “I can see these on the internet! I don’t need a book”, but then I realized that I may never physically travel to these locations, maybe keeping an Art History book or two would be nice.

Each time I think of Art History, I just remember that Professor I pissed off in college. I was playing games very often at night and would play them until next morning 4am, then proceed to class at 10am very shit tired. It was Art History 52AC and it was a few weeks of multiple slides and lectures in a dim….. dark…. cold room…. I was so knocked out I don’t even fully remember what happened at the time. Apparently he got so mad he came over and shook me and I woke up. He then talked to me and I didn’t hear anything at all, and went back to sleep. Apparently he continued his Art lecture then after. I only slightly recollect lifting my head in s brief vision, but that was only after the TA in a later session told me what it had even happened! Anyhow, I feel bad, the professor was very passionate about his work and I was a sleepy student which slept with my head down, was woken with fuzzy eyes, then probably while he was talking to me, flopped my head back down to sleep….. hopefully I wasn’t snoring or something. LOL. Anyhow, I feel bad¬†for stepping on his passions. I didn’t mean too though.

Did not allocate time to blog! Here’s the summary.

January 28, 2007

So a summary of what’s been going one:

  • 17Jan – Returned home
  • 18Jan – Went into work immediately the next day
  • 19Jan – Had a game design meeting with Jon and covered a ton of ground. We really laid out the foundations to work with. Next step is to detail it and fine tune the concepts before implementation.
  • 20Jan – Got my servers and racks all installed and prep’d at my old house.
  • 21Jan – Went snowboarding with Rudy and my little brother. Ran into Thanh and Clement! Been a long time since I’ve seen them. I will have to catch up with them sometime after moving back to my old house.
  • 22Jan – Got pulled into the Maryland requirements review
  • 23Jan – Continued review. Majority wise relaxed and continued preping my servers and also helping out around the house.
  • 24Jan – Switched back onto the RCMP project. Continued dry working.
  • 25Jan – Declaired I felt like a zombie again. Broke out of it by leaving early to help out around the house with packing.
  • 26Jan – Came home and programmed for ENV198 Solutions, preping my small company for it’s Fall 2008 launch date.
  • 27Jan – Game design review with Tony and Jon. Sort of catching Tony up to the current state of the design and getting him more involved in the gaming concepts itself.
  • 28Jan – Programmed the as discussed designs from the day before.

Additional highlights:

  • I have been bounding with my little brother more! He’s teaching me how to solve the rubics cube. For the first time in my life!!!! I solved a Rubic Cube!!!!! Rawr! Little brother knowledge > Berkeley Math.
  • Dad taught Mocha (our dog) to chase cats. I actually am curious “how” he taught him, but i may never know!
  • Mom’s been taking shifts at Rowland Heights and helping out there. I’m a little displeased at the situtation with the moving, but not because I don’t like my aunts, but more over because I see a time bomb that will explode in the near future. Of which I can only play spectator to when it happens.
  • Been conversing online a lot, a new friend of mine is in distress and talking to her really makes me think a lot about myself as well. It’s a good experience because it involved a lot self reflection in the process.
  • I feel like I’ve gotten a little sharper over the last few weeks. That’s a good thing!
  • Lost some weight, my abs are thinner now. I still weight a whopping 180 lbs thou, but at least my core is more “fit” looking.
  • My GS has an oil maintenace light on! Planned schedule of maintenance 01Feb.
  • Starting to take apart my room and go over all my old memories. I seriously have a lot of trash!!!
  • Reorganized about 2 terabytes of data over several computers. This is the second time I’ve done this. Wow does it take long to transfer things around. Basically a manual defrag of files over 4 servers.
  • Finally recreated my web-service server. It also hosts my pictures which I plan to fill up! Maybe all 120 GB’s worth!
  • Went and had Korean BBQ with my game design buddies! It was very tasty. Though I regret I did not work out that night.

Thoughts:

  • I need another large volume harddrive for my webserver. I plan to host all my zipped mangas there and also possibly open up an ftp for friends.
  • I will be buying a 300 dollar VPN Router for my home network, this is how I will kick off the intrastructure for Env198 Solutions. A CEO’s got alot of work to do when it’s just a start up T.T
  • Since Snowboarding I have not worked out enough. My ribs are still hurting, I’m starting to think I really broke a rib, but it’s only broken so much that it hurts when i stretch out my rib cage. Muscle damage doesn’t take a months to heal, does it?
  • Can’t wait until I get setup my server development box as well! It’ll be the next step after this interface design and implementation for my game engine!
  • I need to work out…. need to work out…
  • My boxing bag will soon not have a location anymore. I may need to buy a stand to have it hang from in the backyard. Maybe a trip to big 5 when I return from Canada in March
  • Not looking forward to my business trip in February to a frozen Canada.

Me!~ Bored at work =P

January 13, 2007

This is were I lose my sanity every time I travel. It’s pretty getto, but the amount of power at my fingertips are rippling intense. Over 100 CPUs and over 10 terabytes of harddisk space. Windows, Linux, Unix…. any flavor I want. They all have compilers. They are even clutered!

// Baking himself with the raw power….

Of course… this was far less than another project I had. I should dig up those pictures too!

The command center!

Snap shot of remote desktop connections to multiple servers running processes.

Snap shot of more remote desktop connections!

And more!

and more! (Hence the boredom….)

Zoomed out. This is where the functionality demostrations are also held.

Reverse shot to the other side of the room.

Movie Evaluation: Fearless…. Personal Evaluation: Me

January 12, 2007

To capture a moment in my life and the current throughts in my mind, I felt empowered to write something down.

I have just completed Fearless (Jet Li). It has been very touching and is in many ways touching the very core of my soul. Touching to the point it brings me to tears during the writing of this blog sentence!¬†I, at the moment, do not truly understanding the reason for it, but I suppose I can relate to it greatly or feel alot of emotional power behind the verious annotes within the story itself. In many ways I can relate to the main character, but yet, of course, my life is not as complicated and not as painful.¬†I am jealous of the character’s ending,¬†but definitly I do not wish for the same¬†history that empowered him to drive himself into who he finally became at his passing. I hope that my life and my ways, in the end, can amount to be a portion¬†of the¬†honor and respect of Huo YianJia.¬†I hope that my life will ripple through the hearts of people that I touch in future and that I will live a well and full life. This is my wish and my goal.

There are five moments in the story which had an great emotional affect on me.  (Spoilers beyond this point)
1.) When he was focused on nothing but Wushu
2.) When he lost his loved ones: his mother, his young daughter
3.) When he was lost in depression
4.) When he reclaimed and realized himself
5.) When he fought till the end for what he believed for

1.) Over focus, driving right down into the abyss of himself…

This is a moment which really touched my soul, in many ways I only recently realized how much involved I was with my work. I had prioritized my achievements and my success above all else and never¬†considered myself at fault. I drove myself to the edge, took up work beyond what was healthy, and wasted my life thinking about nothing but work and my “success”. It was a faulted path which I took and never¬†thought twice about at the time. Slowly driving down this path, I away lied to myself…. “education is important” “work is important” “impressing my family is important” “maintaining my level of success is important” “pushing forward to the top is important!!!” Everything I told myself was the same meaning that I repeated in different ways, reverbed with different vocabulary, and tied in relation to other things which sounded “right”. Sure, education IS important, but so is happiness! Work is a part of life, but so is relaxing! Impressing is great, but you also need to think of yourself. Success if important, but I have another fifty years under my belt to perform it slowly. Keeping a forward direction is important, but that does not mean I should avoid the occasional side trip and vacation. I was in a hurry in a rush… I played out my life like how I played my video games! It was the wrong way to live… The movie really depicted this aspect of his life very well and jumped right on into the friends and family around him that really saw into it… In many ways, I was a hundred percent similar… My friends also told me about this, they were conserned. Of course I would tell them, about how I am working towards a brighter future.¬†I would repeat my own lecture to them and brainwash myself again in the process. Reassert my ways of life and be over-confident on the direction I had choosen. Slowly I never casted some side unintentionally and did not fully cheerish their friendship enough since I did not consider their warnings.

2.) The pain of force in losing someone or feeling that you may never see someone again…

This is a deep rooted fear of mine which I believe started when I was four. At that time I was very young and of course relied on my parents for support and life in general. They were the ones that kept me safe and the ones that provided a warm bed at night. Of course none of this is a direct memory, but I can only imagine myself as a four year old as someone very dependant. At the age of four, my family was having some troubles with money. I was sent back with my father’s best friend to Taiwan to live with my grandfather and ultimately rotate amoungst my father and mother’s family and friends for a short while. Even though I do not completely remember the event… deeply rooted in my memory is a picture of my mother and father waving to me from an airport gate through the windows and across an open space and through what I imagine to be an airplane portal. My mother was holding tightly on to my father and in a crying position, of course I remember no sounds and nothing else, but for that age I probably didn’t even think anything of it. Out of that trip to taiwan I do not remember anything but a goldfish bowl, my grandfather’s teeth biting my hand when I was disobedient, and a thought of sidewalks. I don’t even know how long I was away for but I do know I missed my parents.

I believe ever since it has been an emotional feeling that I can not shake free… On every funeral or graveyard from every TV show, every movie, or even an new paper article drives fear into me that I will someday have to face a similar moment in my life in the future. Perhaps I am preparing myself. Perhaps I am trying to deal with the thought of losing them. Each time I think about the possibility, what I might feel, how I might react, it just drives me to tears just even typing this out…. From an external perspective, (an I’m part smiling and laughing at myself while typing this) I definitly would consider myself a bit unstable. The reason I cry is at the thought of losing my parents. The reason I am smiling is the fact that I know I love them. The reason I am laughing is because I think to my self that I am silly because my parents are very alive (I’m just being very emotionally controlled by the psychological make up of how my mind and thinking has been put together….. So after a deep breath, I regain myself a bit.

I am one to try and put myself in other people’s shoes and try to feel how they would feel in a curtian situation. I put myself in that position and ask myself: “How would I feel?” It’s a very difficult thing to do and try and many times, I’m just flat out wrong in my evaluation, but at least I have it thought and can talk about how I would feel.

I hope that I do not become confronted which this moment in my life for years and years to come. I truly believe it is something I am not ready to deal with at this stage in my life and I may go nuts. (Some what bargining here, like… “don’t take them away from me… or I’ll go nuts.”) But, I suppose if it did come, I would have to raise to this fear and confront it face first.

I love my parents.

3.) Lost, confused, not sure what to do…

In my multiple attempts to regain my own sanity while I was lost it felt just like that. I could just find myself lost and confused… I let myself get that way… I suppose you can say that, I let it out. But then again I also definitly know I am incapacitated during these outages.

In the story, YianJia finds himself lost in a village somewhere and starts a second life. Forgetting his own and becoming an identity which is not tied to his past. I think for me… This was work… I lost myself in it. I dug myself a nice little grave and just stepped my way in and took a nap. This level of depression is dangerous, yet it is also a time of reflection when the rest of my¬†world just stops.

I relate to this best with the way my love life and history has been. I use to want to just give up. I had enough with it, gave myself a mental note that I would not try again and kept it like that. On the out side I told everyone I was on a 8 year trek, but deep down I sometimes told myself I would keep it up and just die lonely. Now that it’s been so many years and that I have beat myself with it so many times it’s as if I had died from the beatings and have completely forgotten some of the pain that has been associated with it.

In truth now…… I think I’m confused again and girls/women are so foreign again. Sadly, for me, I’m a shy person. Which means I feel a little bit like a middle school kid that is too shy to look at people. Oh wells, I suppose I just need some more confidence.

4.) The realization of error and resolution for an answer!

My current mindset is much more open. I see myself now in the mirror and I am beginning to like what I see. I like what I have become and I am still learning to become more like myself… the true “me” I really want to be come. I am slowly taking up the “true hobbies” I have always had. My true hobby is very general but I believe it is affective… Ever since I was young I have always questions how things work! I am told that once, while I was young, I tried to take apart a VCR since I thought it was interesting. My father walked in and just saw me, young, 6-9 years, dismantling¬† every screw I could find on the machine.

I vow to take an active learning path now in life. It have always strived to be a jack of all trades (a smart ass too!). I want to be knowledgable, well thought out, and able to solve my problems as well as the problems of my loved ones.

I also vow to start living my life healthy. This does not mean fitness healthy, but healthy as in balanced. I do what I want, yet get my work down on time, I straighten out my priorities, keep an open mind on everything, evaluate my surroundings, and also evaluate my own actions.

One note to that above is that today I was a bit harsh to of my my co-workers during an explaination of the business legalities involved with the current project. It was not terrable, but I caught myself a few times during the process trying to state my own opinions with a little too much “umph”. Opinions if well structured do not need “umph” they need only logic and a good way of explaining them in a civilized, none implied manner.

5.) End Game…

This is what I hope for: I want to leave a lasting ripple in the lives of the people around me. The moment I die, I want people to cry their hearts out and wish I had an additional life to come back and play with them. At the moment, my hope will not happen except through the lives of the family members around me… This is something that is built by time, fortidied by refinement, and executed in a mannor that is slow and painless. I suppose the crying their heart outs part is not required, but I do hope that I am missed and that I will be remembered. At the moment, my social life is a sorry mess. It’s something I’m working on ^___^;;;

All in all…. I think this movie was very touching and It really found it’s way into my deep rooted existance and caused me to reflect on my life and how my life is connected. I hope that my lessons and thoughts learned will continue with me. I hope that I keep an open mind and continue my learning tasks ūüėÄ

There is now so much I want to do! I’ll just have to get my lazy ass out of this chair first though. hahaha.

I really enjoyed the movie =)

The late nights working

January 10, 2007

Yet another late night last night. Spent from 9:00am until 4:30am, next day. Most of it was catchup for the traveling day I had on Monday. Another portion of it was spent catering to the needs of the customer to waste time in beurocratic meetings. One of the dumbest things in the world in my opinion.

So it is as simple as this, I am glad I saw it too!
1.) There is an issue
2.) They are unwilling to deal with it
3.) They have insight into the problem or have a level of understanding into the problem.
4.) They decided to act dumb, collectivitly. No one wants to take up the responsiblity to make this assertion.
5.) If I help them and go through the motions it is considered “helping them”
6.) The motions are useless…. completely useless… I even advised against it.
7.) If I refuse to help them and ask them to acquire more information before I evaluate the situation… It is considered that my company is not helping out and is refusing to cooperate on a project level and it has ramafication to the project delievery schedule of which they intend to use as an excuses to prolong their development cycle….

It’s was quite annoying, they wanted to just pin me there and kept asking me “It is your companies’ fault is it not?” It was nearly an intragation rather than a request for help. “Do you agree the problem persists between these two servers?” I was answering back the whole time “No, It is not an issue before the servers. It is an underlying network or OS issue.” Then they would ask again! “If we rule out the following possiblities, then do you agree it is between these two servers?” Not to mention this was a 3-on-1 meeting! I was insulted, yet it was also a challenge. How fast of a talker am I? How can I work it around the other way? What can I say to top them off?

Most definitly, it was mostly fustration. I definitly don’t want to do it again.¬†Especially, don’t want to do it again anytime soon.

At the moment the whole company is pivoting back and forth on a tall rock and I have the power to tip it towards progress or towards failure. I must say, due to the nature of this project there is a much stronger failure directional wind than there is a progressive.¬† Working to generate the needed amount of minisucle force needed to continue the large balance creeking towards the other direction is quite difficult. It’s like blowing wind out of my mouth to move a 50 ton rock that is sitting on top of a rounded fulcrum. Takes alot of energy to just get the momentum going and slowly, slowly tipping the other way were it is mostly invisiable to the human eye and it is difficult to see real progress. You can only “feel” for it and know you are doing a good job and that in the end you have a much greater chance for that moment of gratification. Only fear, ever, is that a large gust of wind that is out of your control doesn’t come back in the wrong direction and swoop it into the dark side of the mountian.

Wow! What an analogy! Impressed with myself /nod /nod.

Anyhow, I hate these long hours and how it kicks into how long things take to finish.

I really hope the rest of my days here are pretty good. It is not simple to perform and double check all the possibilities and permutations required.

I didn’t get to workout yesterday. I definitly want to do so today. I may also need an afternoon nap to regenerate.