Movie Evaluation: Fearless…. Personal Evaluation: Me

January 12, 2007

To capture a moment in my life and the current throughts in my mind, I felt empowered to write something down.

I have just completed Fearless (Jet Li). It has been very touching and is in many ways touching the very core of my soul. Touching to the point it brings me to tears during the writing of this blog sentence! I, at the moment, do not truly understanding the reason for it, but I suppose I can relate to it greatly or feel alot of emotional power behind the verious annotes within the story itself. In many ways I can relate to the main character, but yet, of course, my life is not as complicated and not as painful. I am jealous of the character’s ending, but definitly I do not wish for the same history that empowered him to drive himself into who he finally became at his passing. I hope that my life and my ways, in the end, can amount to be a portion of the honor and respect of Huo YianJia. I hope that my life will ripple through the hearts of people that I touch in future and that I will live a well and full life. This is my wish and my goal.

There are five moments in the story which had an great emotional affect on me.  (Spoilers beyond this point)
1.) When he was focused on nothing but Wushu
2.) When he lost his loved ones: his mother, his young daughter
3.) When he was lost in depression
4.) When he reclaimed and realized himself
5.) When he fought till the end for what he believed for

1.) Over focus, driving right down into the abyss of himself…

This is a moment which really touched my soul, in many ways I only recently realized how much involved I was with my work. I had prioritized my achievements and my success above all else and never considered myself at fault. I drove myself to the edge, took up work beyond what was healthy, and wasted my life thinking about nothing but work and my “success”. It was a faulted path which I took and never thought twice about at the time. Slowly driving down this path, I away lied to myself…. “education is important” “work is important” “impressing my family is important” “maintaining my level of success is important” “pushing forward to the top is important!!!” Everything I told myself was the same meaning that I repeated in different ways, reverbed with different vocabulary, and tied in relation to other things which sounded “right”. Sure, education IS important, but so is happiness! Work is a part of life, but so is relaxing! Impressing is great, but you also need to think of yourself. Success if important, but I have another fifty years under my belt to perform it slowly. Keeping a forward direction is important, but that does not mean I should avoid the occasional side trip and vacation. I was in a hurry in a rush… I played out my life like how I played my video games! It was the wrong way to live… The movie really depicted this aspect of his life very well and jumped right on into the friends and family around him that really saw into it… In many ways, I was a hundred percent similar… My friends also told me about this, they were conserned. Of course I would tell them, about how I am working towards a brighter future. I would repeat my own lecture to them and brainwash myself again in the process. Reassert my ways of life and be over-confident on the direction I had choosen. Slowly I never casted some side unintentionally and did not fully cheerish their friendship enough since I did not consider their warnings.

2.) The pain of force in losing someone or feeling that you may never see someone again…

This is a deep rooted fear of mine which I believe started when I was four. At that time I was very young and of course relied on my parents for support and life in general. They were the ones that kept me safe and the ones that provided a warm bed at night. Of course none of this is a direct memory, but I can only imagine myself as a four year old as someone very dependant. At the age of four, my family was having some troubles with money. I was sent back with my father’s best friend to Taiwan to live with my grandfather and ultimately rotate amoungst my father and mother’s family and friends for a short while. Even though I do not completely remember the event… deeply rooted in my memory is a picture of my mother and father waving to me from an airport gate through the windows and across an open space and through what I imagine to be an airplane portal. My mother was holding tightly on to my father and in a crying position, of course I remember no sounds and nothing else, but for that age I probably didn’t even think anything of it. Out of that trip to taiwan I do not remember anything but a goldfish bowl, my grandfather’s teeth biting my hand when I was disobedient, and a thought of sidewalks. I don’t even know how long I was away for but I do know I missed my parents.

I believe ever since it has been an emotional feeling that I can not shake free… On every funeral or graveyard from every TV show, every movie, or even an new paper article drives fear into me that I will someday have to face a similar moment in my life in the future. Perhaps I am preparing myself. Perhaps I am trying to deal with the thought of losing them. Each time I think about the possibility, what I might feel, how I might react, it just drives me to tears just even typing this out…. From an external perspective, (an I’m part smiling and laughing at myself while typing this) I definitly would consider myself a bit unstable. The reason I cry is at the thought of losing my parents. The reason I am smiling is the fact that I know I love them. The reason I am laughing is because I think to my self that I am silly because my parents are very alive (I’m just being very emotionally controlled by the psychological make up of how my mind and thinking has been put together….. So after a deep breath, I regain myself a bit.

I am one to try and put myself in other people’s shoes and try to feel how they would feel in a curtian situation. I put myself in that position and ask myself: “How would I feel?” It’s a very difficult thing to do and try and many times, I’m just flat out wrong in my evaluation, but at least I have it thought and can talk about how I would feel.

I hope that I do not become confronted which this moment in my life for years and years to come. I truly believe it is something I am not ready to deal with at this stage in my life and I may go nuts. (Some what bargining here, like… “don’t take them away from me… or I’ll go nuts.”) But, I suppose if it did come, I would have to raise to this fear and confront it face first.

I love my parents.

3.) Lost, confused, not sure what to do…

In my multiple attempts to regain my own sanity while I was lost it felt just like that. I could just find myself lost and confused… I let myself get that way… I suppose you can say that, I let it out. But then again I also definitly know I am incapacitated during these outages.

In the story, YianJia finds himself lost in a village somewhere and starts a second life. Forgetting his own and becoming an identity which is not tied to his past. I think for me… This was work… I lost myself in it. I dug myself a nice little grave and just stepped my way in and took a nap. This level of depression is dangerous, yet it is also a time of reflection when the rest of my world just stops.

I relate to this best with the way my love life and history has been. I use to want to just give up. I had enough with it, gave myself a mental note that I would not try again and kept it like that. On the out side I told everyone I was on a 8 year trek, but deep down I sometimes told myself I would keep it up and just die lonely. Now that it’s been so many years and that I have beat myself with it so many times it’s as if I had died from the beatings and have completely forgotten some of the pain that has been associated with it.

In truth now…… I think I’m confused again and girls/women are so foreign again. Sadly, for me, I’m a shy person. Which means I feel a little bit like a middle school kid that is too shy to look at people. Oh wells, I suppose I just need some more confidence.

4.) The realization of error and resolution for an answer!

My current mindset is much more open. I see myself now in the mirror and I am beginning to like what I see. I like what I have become and I am still learning to become more like myself… the true “me” I really want to be come. I am slowly taking up the “true hobbies” I have always had. My true hobby is very general but I believe it is affective… Ever since I was young I have always questions how things work! I am told that once, while I was young, I tried to take apart a VCR since I thought it was interesting. My father walked in and just saw me, young, 6-9 years, dismantling  every screw I could find on the machine.

I vow to take an active learning path now in life. It have always strived to be a jack of all trades (a smart ass too!). I want to be knowledgable, well thought out, and able to solve my problems as well as the problems of my loved ones.

I also vow to start living my life healthy. This does not mean fitness healthy, but healthy as in balanced. I do what I want, yet get my work down on time, I straighten out my priorities, keep an open mind on everything, evaluate my surroundings, and also evaluate my own actions.

One note to that above is that today I was a bit harsh to of my my co-workers during an explaination of the business legalities involved with the current project. It was not terrable, but I caught myself a few times during the process trying to state my own opinions with a little too much “umph”. Opinions if well structured do not need “umph” they need only logic and a good way of explaining them in a civilized, none implied manner.

5.) End Game…

This is what I hope for: I want to leave a lasting ripple in the lives of the people around me. The moment I die, I want people to cry their hearts out and wish I had an additional life to come back and play with them. At the moment, my hope will not happen except through the lives of the family members around me… This is something that is built by time, fortidied by refinement, and executed in a mannor that is slow and painless. I suppose the crying their heart outs part is not required, but I do hope that I am missed and that I will be remembered. At the moment, my social life is a sorry mess. It’s something I’m working on ^___^;;;

All in all…. I think this movie was very touching and It really found it’s way into my deep rooted existance and caused me to reflect on my life and how my life is connected. I hope that my lessons and thoughts learned will continue with me. I hope that I keep an open mind and continue my learning tasks 😀

There is now so much I want to do! I’ll just have to get my lazy ass out of this chair first though. hahaha.

I really enjoyed the movie =)


One Response to “Movie Evaluation: Fearless…. Personal Evaluation: Me”

  1. frances_querijero Says:

    your evaluation is great.. i hope i’ll know more about you.

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