Been feeling distrot

May 4, 2007

So, recently I’ve been feeling a bit disorganized and a little disoriented.

Life is still on the go as always and there are always new and exciting things for me to learn and conquer. I suppose some people in life hate their jobs because it gets boring and they feel like they are not progressing anywhere, where I feel like everything is happening too fast and I never have enough time for my own things. I should probably be grateful that I’m allowed to experience such a life style. But then again, my personality has never been the type to be in such a rush.

The reason why I try not to live in a rush is because I know I make bad and poor decisions when I’m angry or emotional. It’s always a constant battle with myself to preserve my own sanity and keep myself calm. Many a times I find myself enraged, panicing, tunnel-visioned, or just spacing out in general. I know that whenever I reach one of those states it takes me quite a while to reclaim myself. But the worst if it is that I feel I would loose control of myself and do something I will regret in the future.

This brings up an interesting idea I suppose, “regret”. What is “regret”? Why do I fear it?

My initial thoughts are: “regret” is a state of feeling or being of which one wished they did not do something in the past, of which the thing they have done is irreversable and unreplaceable. No power in the world could correct or remove the scar/damage that has been done.

There are many things that I regret:

I regret what I said to someone when I was 16 in highschool, of which I have never forgiven myself for. It was something I wish I had not done, and it was something that went too far and for no good reason. Yes I was young and stupid, and uneducated at the time, but when I think back to it all I can think about is how the whole ordeal could have been either avoided or carried out in a different manner.

I regret not being more couragous in life. There are so manything things and actions I could have done and taken in my past, if only I had more self confidence in my own abilities. Now that I’m older and wiser, I suppose, I see all the various path ways and methods that could have been done in the past. My younger life could have been more full and more interesitng.

I regret not taking better care of myself and my health. There are things wrong with me that I didn’t even know existed until now. I really should have listened more to my parents and elders. I really should have taken much more of a step in my own health than to let it fall apart the way it did.

I regret that I did not take on all the things I have done in the past that I could have. Everything I do now, I could have been doing four or five years ago. I wish I had realized my own potential and been able to harness my abilities eariler.

Of course, it’s not to say I in a bad position. Life at the moment is pretty good, but some how… not satisfying. I suppose a lot of my current thoughts have a lot to do with my old (well she’s not that old) friend’s most recent album. She’s gone so far in life and really done something with her self that make me really reevaluate my current position in life. There’s a lot I’ve done yes, but there’s also a lot I really wish I could have already done, because there’s so much!

Well before I get into that, I suppose I should visit what I consider a full and happy life.

I think one should be happy if they can acquire the following:

1.) Family
2.) Wealth
3.) Friends
4.) Shelter
5.) Health
6.) Passion
7.) Love

Of course the list of seven is not all emcompassing, but I think it’s the foundations for creating “happiness” in life. There are usually the textbook envy of mortals.

I have a good family, but may not have a good wife just yet. I’m still young and looking I suppose. This also ties into my father’s teachings and life lessons, can I continue his legacy?

My wealth, I have to say has been spoon fed to me for the most part. Granted I do bring in a lot of money into the family, but deep down inside, I know I life my current life in luxary because it has been provided by my father. I am now seeking a way to prove to myself that I can do it too.

Friends are the one aspect which I am worst at. I’m not completely sure why actually. Many times it’s just a feeling of regret and remose, or betrayal. Not necessarily from friends, but at least from old lovers and some how it ties together a bit. I’m a bit lonely in this aspect of my life and really wish I could spend more time relaxing and having fun with friends.

Shelter is something that is given to me. This is essential for life’s happiness. I am content with this aspect of my life. Specially because my father helped me setup ownership for a 538k house! Age 24, Technical Project Manager, House owner. Yes!

Health, I’d have to say is also a bad subject at the moment. I most recently found that I have scoliosis. Which means at this age I have no hope in ever truly correcting it. At most I can only “ease” it from day to day as I fix my life style and living habits.

Passion is something I believe everyone in life should have. A reason for being, a reason for living, a part out of reach goal to chase. Having a general direction to work towards, life becomes more meaningful and more interesting. For me, this is making a video game in the future. I have been dreaming about this since I was 9 year old, yet I have still not yet completed this…

Love, my worst subject on the syllabus. I think I may try a speed dating service or something, but really I know the problem is in my own life… I should fix myself first before I attempt this again… I am jaded, still scared from the more recent emotional transactions that happened four years ago. Yes, it did mean something to me at the time, now though, it is just fear…

Anyhow… life is “happening” at the moment, but I am definitly not exactly “happy” with it. I’ll see how this goes later on in life… But I really wish to have things kick up a bit more with the passion and love aspects of my life as well as the ability to spend more time with family and friends…

I feel like I’m left behind and in the dust… But yet… I can not given up nor can I stop… just keep walking and walking… one day I’ll get there.


2 Responses to “Been feeling distrot”

  1. Mstic Says:

    “Passion is something I believe everyone in life should have. A reason for being, a reason for living, a part out of reach goal to chase. Having a general direction to work towards, life becomes more meaningful and more interesting. For me, this is making a video game in the future. I have been dreaming about this since I was 9 year old, yet I have still not yet completed this…”

    good to know that you still have your passion….ur the one who taught me πŸ™‚ as long as you have it and it’s still as strong as it was in the past, u’ll be set…i definitely believe in you…..cuz i know it works πŸ˜›

    as for the topic of relationships, you will find that special person….don’t worrie….i don’t think you are as jaded as u think u are….i know we’ve discussed about your past, but I feel that you have come to terms with your past and u may be using it as an excuse at the moment because you are feeling vulnerable. i know ur a strong person πŸ™‚ u can either “fix” urself first before moving on, or perhaps it will get fixed as u become more involved with your next relationship….iono…the words don’t exactly sound right….i just wish we had time to sit down and chat again πŸ˜€ it was the best thing ever at CAL…….for my college years, i am forever grateful to you πŸ™‚ even if u don’t want to take credit for it….tooo bad….. πŸ˜› talk to you soon….take care!

  2. aggressiveggroll Says:

    now u’ve got me : P whee~!

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