About (Updated 2007.6.4)

Abstract:

I have many names, and many personailties all wrapped up into one. It’s a little maddening and hard to manage. Always a personal tug-a-war in every which way, only with the environment giving advantages to random sides at various moments. I suppose at this point of my life, I’m a little easily confused and easy to malnipulate. (Pre-2007)

At this stage of my life, I realize I have been floating around for far too long. I am now taking on an active role in the development of my life. Taking on a personal commitment to enchance myself, learn more about the world, and enrich my way of life. Learning has always been one of my greatest skills. For the past few years I have done nothing with this skill but learn what school and college has delievered to me on a silver platter. I now vow to apply myself to learning more than just work and education related tasks, I hope to take up music, sports, personal development, society, worldly politics, personal economics, everything else a school or college education could never teach you. At one time, I use to have quite a lot of street smarts, but some how I had lost that. This is something I will regain. (2007.1.9)

Now my life has turned-180, I was quite down and depressed, but now I have regained a sense of hope or light in the blinding dark. Squirming in place in a stagnet shallow pond, I wanted for someone to appear and save me. Now I have realized what it was that I was doing. Hiding my past, hiding myself, tipping what should be balanced in one direction over the sure sake of ease in avoidance. Now my life is different, I can see balance, entrigue, rebirth, and relation. My life was never that bad, but I through it was so. Now I struggle to rebuild my lost mindsets, rebalance my life, regrow my wings, and fly again as a social organic creature, not only a machinic functional motor. Reassembling what is ‘self’ what is ‘success’ what is ‘support’ in my life to the next level of life. (2007.6.4)

Personal History:

Don’t remember much before 5th grade. Family moved around a lot. The only thing I remember was in 2nd grade, a girl named Tammy was dared (I assume) to kiss me in the library. As a little boy, when she called me over in the library I moved in with my ear as it was only allowed that people whisper, then she kissed my ear. Don’t remember her face, it’s been far too long. Later on my little brother was born in 1989, this is when I woke up a little (Definition: Waking up is kind of like reaching an level of enlightenment where somethings actually start to make sense). As a new brother, I had more responsiblities now than just living life as a zombie brat. I did half of my 5th grade in Badillo Elementry in Covina, then did the other half in Mckinedly Elementry, San Gabriel. Since then my family never moved too far. (Wow, I’ve been reading too many Mangas! I sound like a starting narraive! Yes It really does!)

I was still sleeping dormantly in Elementry and Middle school, quite unaware of the world around me, of it’s complexity. Then one day near the beginning of high school, every thing became clear. I Woke up. Changed from an C-D’s student to straight A’s. Started dating and found my first kiss to be similar to sashimi (wasn’t a bad thing, but was quite surprising. I’m not sure if I liked Sashimi at the time though. I do not recall my own reaction, it must have been a funny face though.). Learned to drive and enjoyed it (I have my speeding tickets to prove it). Since Gabrielino High School was pretty small, everyone knew each other and it was pretty easy to become well-known, or at least recognized. Life was good, was in control. I felt invinciable at the time.

Then came college applications: out of chance and a wind of luck, UC Berkeley which originally rejected me, accepted me into their University through a letter of appeal. It was a very pivotal moment in my life. Throughout my childhood is has always been my soul goal to make my parents and family proud of me. I wanted to bring them into tears of joy and wanted them to acknowledge my existance at a higher level. It came true for a brieft moment during that acceptance. Oh how my parents could brag (Chinese parents, he’s kind of cultural I suppose). I was happy that my parents were happy. One thing that wasn’t as nice though, none of my close friends choose Berkeley. Even though a few of them got into the program they got into somewhere else better, or wasn’t interested in Berkeley’s focus. With the encouragement from parents (and the mess they made about how I was going to berkeley), I decided to go try it out (big mess… no way I could live it out if I went anywhere different after how much they boosted >.>;;;).

Still feeling pretty invinicable from my High School expereinces and the flow of life, I felt like nothing could stop me (Oh boy, was I wrong). Berkeley had it’s way with me and handed my ass back to me on a silver plate in a getto restaurant. Next few 4.5 years was very dry and heavy, long hours, no play, mostly work (video games fall under this catagory, hehe), and maybe the occassional revisit of San Gabriel, my hometown.

So 4.5 Years went by like one long visit to hell, and vanished just as quickly as it started. I survived. Actually came out on top with two degrees one in B.A. Applied Mathematics, another B.A Computer Science (also The Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger, signed my diploma!). Got offered a job almost immediately due to my prior experiance with them as an intern.

Cogent Systems… Started out as a software engineer and rapidly moved my way up. Shortly after I found myself in a technical project management position. I left the company through it’s development of mobile decides, traveled the world: Shenzhen, Venezuela, and soon to be Canada. I built a technical knowledge base for myself that would carry me into the national level as the technical project manager for a national system for all of Canada. Worked closely with RCMP (Canada’s FBI) and sithed through mountians of business analysis documents and requirement matrices. Accomplishments? Yes… But some how I had lost myself. I found myself: alone… unhappy… struggling to make ends… stressing… complaining to myself…. I was quite unhealthy.

I had my own demons which I had been fighting for a long time. It was not after college that I fell asleep again and fell into internal termoil, but was the day I entered college that was the beginning of it all. It was then, when I underestimated college and took it face first and ate it when I developed my fear of failure (I believe this to be the case). Fighting this, struggling to strive, I found myself to be a weak boy, swinging a flimsy stick of a sword around in the air as fast as I possibly could with my eye closed until I openned my eyes and it was all over… college as over… I had survived, but instilled in myself was the fear, the kill of my personality… it dug me into a working state… I must not fail… I must succeed… Panic grew over me and I strived to push forward. When difficult came around, I lied to myself, “This is the harshness of the world. This is just how it is. Nothing to think about, just do it.” Just push foward, just continue, stress, built up…. pressure…. pressure… pressure!!

And then it happened, I reached my breaking point… the world of stress that bore itself on my shoulders was too much for me to fight back anymore… I fell, crashed down to the ground and lied there thinking… for once…. thinking….

My family was going through some tough times. The KTV (family business) was doing bad. There was a shooting a month before, of which my father was the host at the time and was present (life stunning effect… and shocked my throughly to the bone). My mother was talking about devorce. My brother had a few issued with school and communication with my parents. Family relative affairs also reached critical mass. Work’s stress was at it’s peak. I had no one to talk to, no close friends, no shoulders to help me and suppose the pressure. I was unhealth (from pulling multiple 90+ hour weeks consecutivily one after another). I was tired. Even a memory of my past came back to haunt me. It all happened at the same time… and I fell over.

All I could do was think, think…

At this point I had lost my way. I had lost myself. I didn’t know who I was anymore. At work I was named “Jimmy”, I lost my real name. I took on that persona. I was “Jimmy the working man”. I realized I had to find myself again. I had to learn my ways away. I had to learn to let go. Learn to relax. Learn to have fun. Learn to live again. Learn how to by a Son. Learn how to be a brother. Learn how to be a grandson. Learn how to be a master (we have a dog, Moca). Learn how to be effective, assertive, cunning, street-smart, educated, decisive, active, healthy, proud, … Learn how to be myself again.

Then I met Sharon, someone with a mature, insightful, thought driven, knowledgable, social complextion. I thus realized that I had been drowning myself in my own miseries. Sitting stagnet, unmoving, by choice, hoping that one day someone like her would come along to save me. Now I see so much more, her support is nurturing and accelerating, I am learning to take my life back into my hands, relearning my old lessons left half-taught with detensions only, now learning witts and knowledge. Taking control of my balance of life and restructing my priorities and my life, building a new foundation of what I hope to be and will be come.

Thus starts a new chapter in my life when I shift my attentions to myself, my happiness, my balance, my work, my love, my friends, my family, and everything around me. Learning the balance of life, choices, comprimises, conversations, understandings, assumptions, and solutions.

The path of balance: weighting all things and picking which to scale.

Many Names:

James – My name in Elementary to High School. Quite popular (was), well-accomplished, in control, Mr.Know-it-all, gets in trouble but doesn’t, social, jump-to-conclusions drama king of a teenager. Now in process of reviving from a dorment slumber.

Ren (Mai-mai) – My name which emphasises my connection to family and my little brother. During Elementary and even to High School, this character within never really woke up. It was only near the end of College when I realized I had been neglecting my job as a “Son” and a “Brother”. I was failing; I placed my own success before them. Now this character is learning how to be a big brother for the first time, as well as a son to his loved parents, and his dog.

Jimmy – I’ve been renamed as “Jimmy” at work, since my name “James” was already taken by the Primary Development and Research Director. So since then, I’ve learned to response to it, work by it, and become responisible with it. There is actually quite a lot to a name, not being able to use our birth given name does have it’s affects. This character within me is now a work-a-holic and unhappy depressed individual, enough is said from just that. There’s alot of improvements to be made.

Duck (Ducksauce) – Started out as a counter-strike gaming name, but later carried over into the video games realm where it become a part of me as my “leadership”. Sounds a bit funny, I know. “How do you create a side of yourself that is called Duck? More over, from a video game?” This side of me acts as my political advisor. Video game societies are highly political, and fighting through it and winning favors has never an easy task. The deeply rooted human interaction of society were the founding essenses that build the experiance and development of this persona. Since then, this character has been the advisor of politics and leadership.

Jessica – Not really a name I’ve used. Sometime during college, I realized that I had a feminine side to myself as well (There’s nothing wrong with that right? >.>;;;). Luckily I didn’t entertain it or I might have become Bi-sexual, but none-the-less it’s much healther to acknowledge it’s existance than keep it bottled up. Though I am no longer confused of this side of myself. This persona acts as my sanity check. It is how I would evaluate myself from a different perspective, how I fair in the eyes of others. Jessica, my internal persona, is the one that nags me all day. =P

Hao (Ren Zhong Hao) – This side of me is my passion, courage, and pride (also imagination). Hao wishes he could throw fireballs, have special powers, save the world, protect loved ones, and do whatever it takes to stand tall on top of the mountain at the end of the day. The side of me that serves as my imagination as well as my motivational drive for a end-game success. Can also think of this side of me as the cheerleader. Now that I have shifted my balance, Hao is working hard to find more elements of growth and more ways to embetter our passion for life as well as our passion for imagination.

Me (Meeh) – This character has no name. Kind of the knot in the middle of the tug-a-war. An once zombie of a character that is funneled with the thoughts of everyone above. In this tug-a-war, it is Me that changes frequently and effectivitly is the smelting pot of all the different persona’s above and their interactions in me as a whole.

2 Responses to “About (Updated 2007.6.4)”

  1. jeannie Says:

    interesting read!

  2. akrypti Says:

    WordPress is new to me so I haven’t figured out whether there is a subscription sort of option where I can get certain people’s postings e-mailed directly to my inbox. In any case, I added this blog to my “Blogroll.” You seem far more intelligent than you even let on. Anyway, it’d be great to have you join our discussions on Ink du Jour (http://inkdujour.wordpress.com). Hope to see your two cents there sometime.


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