Archive for the 'Home Philosophy' Category

Been feeling distrot

May 4, 2007

So, recently I’ve been feeling a bit disorganized and a little disoriented.

Life is still on the go as always and there are always new and exciting things for me to learn and conquer. I suppose some people in life hate their jobs because it gets boring and they feel like they are not progressing anywhere, where I feel like everything is happening too fast and I never have enough time for my own things. I should probably be grateful that I’m allowed to experience such a life style. But then again, my personality has never been the type to be in such a rush.

The reason why I try not to live in a rush is because I know I make bad and poor decisions when I’m angry or emotional. It’s always a constant battle with myself to preserve my own sanity and keep myself calm. Many a times I find myself enraged, panicing, tunnel-visioned, or just spacing out in general. I know that whenever I reach one of those states it takes me quite a while to reclaim myself. But the worst if it is that I feel I would loose control of myself and do something I will regret in the future.

This brings up an interesting idea I suppose, “regret”. What is “regret”? Why do I fear it?

My initial thoughts are: “regret” is a state of feeling or being of which one wished they did not do something in the past, of which the thing they have done is irreversable and unreplaceable. No power in the world could correct or remove the scar/damage that has been done.

There are many things that I regret:

I regret what I said to someone when I was 16 in highschool, of which I have never forgiven myself for. It was something I wish I had not done, and it was something that went too far and for no good reason. Yes I was young and stupid, and uneducated at the time, but when I think back to it all I can think about is how the whole ordeal could have been either avoided or carried out in a different manner.

I regret not being more couragous in life. There are so manything things and actions I could have done and taken in my past, if only I had more self confidence in my own abilities. Now that I’m older and wiser, I suppose, I see all the various path ways and methods that could have been done in the past. My younger life could have been more full and more interesitng.

I regret not taking better care of myself and my health. There are things wrong with me that I didn’t even know existed until now. I really should have listened more to my parents and elders. I really should have taken much more of a step in my own health than to let it fall apart the way it did.

I regret that I did not take on all the things I have done in the past that I could have. Everything I do now, I could have been doing four or five years ago. I wish I had realized my own potential and been able to harness my abilities eariler.

Of course, it’s not to say I in a bad position. Life at the moment is pretty good, but some how… not satisfying. I suppose a lot of my current thoughts have a lot to do with my old (well she’s not that old) friend’s most recent album. She’s gone so far in life and really done something with her self that make me really reevaluate my current position in life. There’s a lot I’ve done yes, but there’s also a lot I really wish I could have already done, because there’s so much!

Well before I get into that, I suppose I should visit what I consider a full and happy life.

I think one should be happy if they can acquire the following:

1.) Family
2.) Wealth
3.) Friends
4.) Shelter
5.) Health
6.) Passion
7.) Love

Of course the list of seven is not all emcompassing, but I think it’s the foundations for creating “happiness” in life. There are usually the textbook envy of mortals.

I have a good family, but may not have a good wife just yet. I’m still young and looking I suppose. This also ties into my father’s teachings and life lessons, can I continue his legacy?

My wealth, I have to say has been spoon fed to me for the most part. Granted I do bring in a lot of money into the family, but deep down inside, I know I life my current life in luxary because it has been provided by my father. I am now seeking a way to prove to myself that I can do it too.

Friends are the one aspect which I am worst at. I’m not completely sure why actually. Many times it’s just a feeling of regret and remose, or betrayal. Not necessarily from friends, but at least from old lovers and some how it ties together a bit. I’m a bit lonely in this aspect of my life and really wish I could spend more time relaxing and having fun with friends.

Shelter is something that is given to me. This is essential for life’s happiness. I am content with this aspect of my life. Specially because my father helped me setup ownership for a 538k house! Age 24, Technical Project Manager, House owner. Yes!

Health, I’d have to say is also a bad subject at the moment. I most recently found that I have scoliosis. Which means at this age I have no hope in ever truly correcting it. At most I can only “ease” it from day to day as I fix my life style and living habits.

Passion is something I believe everyone in life should have. A reason for being, a reason for living, a part out of reach goal to chase. Having a general direction to work towards, life becomes more meaningful and more interesting. For me, this is making a video game in the future. I have been dreaming about this since I was 9 year old, yet I have still not yet completed this…

Love, my worst subject on the syllabus. I think I may try a speed dating service or something, but really I know the problem is in my own life… I should fix myself first before I attempt this again… I am jaded, still scared from the more recent emotional transactions that happened four years ago. Yes, it did mean something to me at the time, now though, it is just fear…

Anyhow… life is “happening” at the moment, but I am definitly not exactly “happy” with it. I’ll see how this goes later on in life… But I really wish to have things kick up a bit more with the passion and love aspects of my life as well as the ability to spend more time with family and friends…

I feel like I’m left behind and in the dust… But yet… I can not given up nor can I stop… just keep walking and walking… one day I’ll get there.



April 17, 2007

So, I finally got around to seeing my doctor about my neck and back pains. One of the first things he said once he started examining was:

     “Your pretty screwed up for your age. You’re all twisted.”

That was not good… then he added:

     “You have a 38 year old’s body. What happened?”

So … I’m 13 years older physically than I am biologically, if that makes sense. Haha. Then again I have been feeling quite old in the mind as well, but I guess this is proof! I’m older than I really am? If a doctor says it, it must be true! (Leo needs to hurry up and get his MD, so I can ask him to make a few false statement for me and make them true as well.)

We took x-rays, looks like I have Scoliosis.

Well I joke, because it doesn’t seem to be a major or serious case. I’m assuming my angle should be pretty small. I’ve been reading up on my condition and there’s really quite a lot to it all. Specifically they measure your seriousness by the angle created between two “should be” aligned vertabras. Then also I was looking up various medical symptoms that may cause scoliosis or may be resulted from scoliosis. Looks like there’s nothing in-depth that seems life threatening at the moment, but I do risk what is called “spinal fusion”.

When the cartaliage between two bones get stretched out too far, they inflame and saturate in response, but then after they implode and shrink. Slowly once that film is gone, the bones touch. Once the bones touch, they start to “heal” and bind together which creates spinal fusion of multiple bones. To iternate, that is when it REALLY starts to hurt, and eventually you can’t move some part of your back because the bones are fused together.

I’m no where that serious, but am at future risk. It definitly makes me more interested in the medical field. After reading so much it make me feel like I could have been a doctor, if I wanted too. At least for the most part a cryropractistian, maybe not any other type of doctor. Touching the small of the back on young women seems interesting, then again I suppose if i wanted to make money, I can’t pick my patients. I guess I’m glad to be a computer scientist.

Learned a new term… “Idiopathic” it means (in simplifed terms) “Idiot which does not know how he/she got to their current path (state)”. 

I am an adolesent idiopath with Scoliosis.

Sounds harsh, which is why doctors don’t use this term to your face! They say it behind your back in medical diaries, text books, and publications. I learned this from my reading.

       “Susan, your condition is unknown as to what the cause might have been. Please take these medications and also perform these excersies.”

Then behind your back!!! The doctor will write in their medical journals:

       “I had a patient today of idiopathic nature. After exhaustive examination and questioning, I could only conclude her as an Idiopath.”

It’s an interesting new word! =)

Finally back to Blogging!

April 17, 2007

My life has finally calmed back down and I find myself capable of blogging again. Many things have happened since I mysteriously disappeared back on Feburary 12th, 2007. I’ve been pushed through many challenage, I’ve experianced some amazing things, and I’ve learned so much about myself, which includes good and bad.

Here’s a quick summary of activities/achievements:

  • Traveled to Canada to finish the project (Again…)
  • Took very good care of my team there (I’m proud of this)
  • Went Speed karting at about 40.3 mph! (Edward beat me on the last stretch!)
  • Saw the most beautiful ice sculptures! (burr cold)
  • Experianced -30 degrees C with wind chill (nearly lost an ear)
  • Learned technical information on today’s cutting edge technology!
  • Truly broke through the first few barrier of self realization.
  • Played a part in the Canada national fingerprint system go-live!
  • Had an enlightening Chinese New Year with my older peers
  • Ice Skated straight for over 12 kms (not very many places that can do that)
  • Had a lot of Korean Tofu Soup
  • Started heavy design and implementation on my personal project
  • Found out I had scoliosis
  • Learned the word “Idiopath”, because I am one
  • Researched about medical science in regards to the spinal column
  • Went to and saw a cryropractor
  • Went to see my dentist
  • Started changing my posture the correct way!
  • Expensed over 9000 dollars, still another 3000 or so to expense! (food)
  • Start diggind through my old music cd’s, listen to them one by one
  • Finally took a vacation (2 weeks, 6 days left from today to relax)
  • Moved back into my old house, finally settled down and enjoying a less luxurious life
  • Sold my old house, made $160,000!
  • Took a loan for $300,000!
  • Getting a tax return of over $9,000!
  • Bank reads (but mostly from the loan) $470,550.37   :3
  • Planned my trip to Anime-Expo (June)
  • Got rear-ended the second day I got back to LA
  • Took a Rental Car for over 2 months! (yikes that was expensive!)
  • Bought my lil brother a new laptop! (he loves it)
  • Played and finished Final Fantasy XII
  • Played and finished Command and Conquer 3 (with trainer help :X)
  • Got to drive around LA like a mad man again (speed is fun ;D)
  • Lost some weight
  • Learned how to use my medical plans for once, various details on how to and what to do.
  • Played a paper based version of my video project with my partner (we really nailed down a lot of ideas thanks for this!)
  • Completely and utterly took a vacation and completely did not care about work! This is truly an accomplishment =)
  • Saw some old friends, of what rare chance I get. They play ball together still, but I’m spending this time healing (back/teeth/doctors).
  • Plan to visit my old buddies more often ^__^
  • Tooke some amazing pictures! (My favorate below)

So now life is back to somewhat normal patterns. I hope this continues. But yet the future seems much brighter from here. After taking on such a large inscalable mountian, other things in life seems so much easier in comparason.

I’ve learned a lot in these part 3 months…


Lee Evans XI Tour

February 4, 2007

Stand-up Comedy Binge!

February 2, 2007

Very funny ^__^–Lttaad0sM&mode=related&search=

28Jan07 – Thoughts #5

January 28, 2007

I just shipped one car full over to the other house. It’s quite alot of shit I have!

So like I’m unloading my dresser because it’s not nice to leave it full and expect the movers to move it all. So I’m unloading… and I’m also going through my closet. Then half way through I look around and I realized I have 7-9 packages of new underwear. New Packages. not indivdial wraps. I mean packages like bunches of 10-15 each. So apparently while looking around I have 8×15 new underwear above my currently already in-use underwear… Which makes something along the lines of 150 combined whitey tighties and boxers……… I do not know why I need so much underwear. I could wear one piece a day and only have to wash my laundry about twice a year…. which is pretty nasty, but possible with the amount of stock i have….oh well… back to cleaning… I wonder what else I will find. XD

28Jan07 – Thoughts #4

January 28, 2007

Too many leather jackets LOL…. my parents went nut buying them up when it was cheap. Now I think I have 7 or 8 of them >.>;;; some are baby lamb and very smooth 😀

Lots of history in my father’s stories with leather jackets. A little less with me, except maybe that fact that all my ex’s hated them. =P

28Jan07 – Thoughts #3

January 28, 2007

Ran into my EE20N Signals and Systems book. Wow did that bring back memories. Was originally denied from Computer science even thou I had gained addmission into the school. They assigned me as ‘undeclared’. I knew exactly what i wanted to be! Why mark me as that? Anyhow, big headed, very cocky, decided to take the class in prep of my future transfer into the major. On top of that I also took 21 units that very first semester  I was in college. Oh boy! Bad idea.

I had my ass cooked, tossed, and handed back to me so fast, I thought I still had one and was utterly confused. Good job me for taking on more than I really realized. Felt kind of like jumping blindly into a swimming pool and figuring out someone had wanted to boil the hole damn thing.

Anyhow, GPA that semester hit really low and had to rebuild it all.

28Jan07 – Thoughts #2

January 28, 2007

Found the old bag of memories from all my previous relationships. Kind of weird, I’m not sure why I keep it all around. For the most part it’s all past information now, I really shouldn’t dwell. But then again maybe it’s good to at least review. The again it’s all from highschool and it’s all highschoolie. Oh wells, looks like I’ll be bringin this junk back to my old house with me until i resolve what I want to do with it all. Perhaps I’ve waiting of one of them in side the bag to come back so I can bring back out all our old stuff. Then again, I don’t want any of them back >.>;;;

Very curious of me, very curious =) I suppose I’ll make more sense of it all later on.

Back to cleaning!

28Jan07 – Thoughts

January 28, 2007

Due to moving, I’ve been going through some old stuff. What to toss, what to keep.  These are the records of my thoughts:

I found some old school/college books. Definitly one of those love-hate relationships with these text books. Took a look at them and wanted to feel smart at first. Somehow smart people are associated with books. So i started archiving them all into a box… Then I started realizing how “smart” I was… and how I didn’t really need all these books anymore. Started tossing them and throwing away the history and the english books about women studies (They tricked me! I thought it was a study of normal women! Ended up a study of the clincally insane women!). Anyhow, ran into my old Music 16B class books. Thoughts were that I really wanted to learn an instrument later in life. Decided to keep those. Then I ran into my Art History books, pretty interesting places these art works are from. I thought to myself “I can see these on the internet! I don’t need a book”, but then I realized that I may never physically travel to these locations, maybe keeping an Art History book or two would be nice.

Each time I think of Art History, I just remember that Professor I pissed off in college. I was playing games very often at night and would play them until next morning 4am, then proceed to class at 10am very shit tired. It was Art History 52AC and it was a few weeks of multiple slides and lectures in a dim….. dark…. cold room…. I was so knocked out I don’t even fully remember what happened at the time. Apparently he got so mad he came over and shook me and I woke up. He then talked to me and I didn’t hear anything at all, and went back to sleep. Apparently he continued his Art lecture then after. I only slightly recollect lifting my head in s brief vision, but that was only after the TA in a later session told me what it had even happened! Anyhow, I feel bad, the professor was very passionate about his work and I was a sleepy student which slept with my head down, was woken with fuzzy eyes, then probably while he was talking to me, flopped my head back down to sleep….. hopefully I wasn’t snoring or something. LOL. Anyhow, I feel bad for stepping on his passions. I didn’t mean too though.